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Ira Marlowe - Fern​-​Bar Blues (comedy)

from Save the Monkey House! by Various Artists

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about

Born of the anguish playing cover songs in strip-mall lounges, Have you been there?

lyrics

FERN-BAR BLUES

I used to laugh, I used to chuckle
About the guy in the bar with the folk guitar
And the beer hanging over his buckle
Paid to croon those wimpy tunes
I said “I know my luck’ll never run that low.”
But what did I know?
Because I gotta eat
I gotta eat a little crow

I’ve been a waiter, I’ve been a temp
I’ve had the horror of holding as many jobs
As Larry, Moe, and Shemp
But life could not prepare me
For the roll I now must fill
As a desperado on the dock of the bay
In Margeritaville

Oh, Lord
Lord can’t you see I’ve paid my dues?
I’ve got the mellow-rock-folkie-
in-the-corner-of-a-fern-bar-blues

I’m getting’ heckled, this group of fellas
Pushed to the brink by those very large drinks
With those very small umbrellas
They’re well beyond reason, I must appease them
The tension is growing deadly
Can I reach in my soul and summon the strength
To play a Don Ho medley?

chorus

There’s a lady at the bar, she’s a scary kind of creature
She’s got hairs on every mole
and she’s got moles on every feature
A gargoyle on a barstool, leering into my eyes
Licking off her lipstick and slugging down mai-tais

There’s a two-ton drunken sailor
And my life is now imperilled
‘Cause I blew the last line of the 17th verse
of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”
There’s a real estate man with a tanning-booth tan
Demanding to hear “Piano Man”
And the bag at the bar just sent me a beer
And I think that it’s time to get out of here
Oh, Lord
Lord can’t you see I’ve paid my dues?
I’ve got the mellow-rock-folkie-
abandoning-hope-at-the-end-of-his-rope-
in-the-corner-of-a-fern-bar-blues

credits

from Save the Monkey House!, released February 22, 2013

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